How we sleep.

When the first of my friends started having babies, I had all sorts of opinions about how things should be. In particular, that babies should sleep in their cribs. When these friends began telling me how hard it was to keep the kids out of their bed at night and that is was just easier (and, they sheepishly admitted, comfortable, snuggly and nice) to let them stay there, I, ignorantly and arrogantly spouted off my mouth. So, when I was pregnant with C, we bought a crib, a bassinet, a swing and a book by someone whispering to babies. I thought, I will show these parents how it's done!
A couple of months after C was born I sat exhausted, weepy, defeated and so sad. C did not want to be separated from me and I was tired from getting up every few hours, propping up my pillows, turning on the tv, willing myself to stay awake while I nursed for the 15 minute timed intervals on each boob. Then I had to wake MH up to change her diaper, re-swaddle her back into a tight little baby burrito, and lay her back into her bassinet where I would then rock her back to sleep. The nights where long and dreaded. One night, I snapped, it is probably one worst moments of parenting for me in these 4 1/2 years and while I did no physical harm to C the anger and volume of my words scared the hell out of me. After my outburst, I held her close to me all night and the next day I felt a profound change inside of me. I began to read and ask other parents about co-sleeping or some call it sharing sleep. I was hesitant and afraid but what I heard and read (http://www.askdrsears.com/) was educational, comforting and felt right to me.
What was most important about this event though was that it changed me as a person and a parent. I can trust myself and my baby to know what is right for us. I had to include MH in this decision of course and thankfully he was totally on board. I can still remember the sweet joy of us all waking up together, so calm and warm with C's beautiful smiling face right up against mine giving me kisses. Our nights were also much easier. I learned how to nurse while I was laying on my side so that we could nurse and sleep without disturbing our slumber and we could quietly change her diaper from the bed with just a flashlight. I am a total safety freak so I made sure everything we did was exactly how it should be and if I thought MH was going to sleep too heavily he slept in the other room.
Really, from this time on is when I felt like I was finally a mommy. I was relaxed, rested, happy and trusted myself. I had listened to what my daughter needed (more time and closeness with me) and found a way to give it to her that worked for all of us. Admittedly, not all days were this wonderful and full of joy. There were times when I thought, I'm with you ALL day, I need some space! So, I tweaked things a little and after C fell asleep at nap or in the evening I would get up, making sure she was safe on the bed, with the monitor on. Or, I would lay there next to her and read (I must have read 50 books that year).
Eventually, when she was about 15 months old, she began to sleep in her room on a mattress on the bed. But, by this point we really didn't mind either way. Parents can get very inventive if they really want to have sex. I mean, when was the last time you had sex in the back cab of a truck on a date because you were living with your parents and didn't have anywhere else to go? Now, fast forward to today. E has slept with us since the day he was born. I had to defend that right against the SB Cottage hospital when he was 4 weeks old, but that's another post that I will get to at some point. This time I was amazed at how rested I felt in that first month, even after nursing and changing diapers several times a night, we just never left the bed!

During that time, MH slept in C's room with her so that he could get a full nights sleep and to help her through the transition of having a new baby around. Eventually, he came back to the "big bed" and that's where the three of us are now. In the last few months we have experimented with having both kids in C's bed or E in his pack and play that a friend lent us and usually around 2 or 3 am he is ready to be back with us. C sleeps peacefully in her own room and has done so since she was 2 1/2 when E was born. She still comes to us in the morning, I will feel the warmth of her breath and hear her sweet voice whisper, "Mama, can I snuggle you?". And then there are the nights when I miss her little body folded up against my belly so I leave the boys in the big bed and go to snuggle her. As I lay there beside her I think about how she will only be this little for such a short time and I try to store the intense feeling of love I have for her somewhere in my body for the time that she doesn't want me to be in her space.
So, this is what I judged before becoming a parent, this is what I thought was wrong? I want to apologize to my dear friends for not supporting them. I wish I could go back and say, "Do what you feel is right for your family and follow your heart. I support you". That is what new parents need to hear. Oh, and to that pediatrician who tried to tell me that I was beginning a bad habit by rocking my babies to sleep and asking me if I wanted to be doing that when they were two. UH, YEAH lady, as a matter of fact I do! Seriously, don't mess with me when it comes to my kids.