Boston

I leave on Thursday for Boston to visit my oldest and dearest best friend. It is a long over due trip, both in terms of visiting her where she has lived for 15 years and for me personally to have time to myself, without kids or husband. E is 2 1/2 now, and when C was the same age, she went with her grandma for about three days over Christmas because E and I were in the hospital (a story for another time) and it was the right decision at that time. I trusted she would be taken care of and I was entirely focused on E and his recovery. Husband was completely emotionally wrung out and we couldn't give her the Christmas we thought she deserved. So, that was that.

This is different. I am choosing this time, and know that the kids are ready and can communicate their needs. They have a schedule they can count on, a dedicated and present daddy and so many friends that love them and will support them if they feel sad or miss me.

So, now, me going out into the world without the kids physically attached to me. Time to linger, change my mind, sleep, talk for hours if I want to , experiencing and interacting without automatically filtering it through my brain, wondering how they will react or absorb it. There is a small piece of me that is still holding onto guilt, but I've grown and returned back to myself in this last year to know, I need to do it anyway. I can let go and know they feel my love at the very depths of their selves and I will be back. I can't wait for it all, every bit of this experience, leaving, being there and coming home.