This is how I operate. I live with a mess and disorganization until it becomes so unbearable that I let it go on for another month or so, then I do something about it. I am not a clean as you go, open your mail everyday, fold laundry the minute it comes out of the dryer, pack lunches the night before type of gal. I'm not a fan of monotony. For whatever reason whenever I do try to be that type of person, I feel like a fraud. I know and the phantom super housewife that has hijacked my body knows that this "being on top of things" will not last long.
And, so for the better part of my life I have judged and compared myself to those I perceive to whoosh through life effortlessly picking up as they go along. I've had enough life experience to know that just because someone seems to have everything together on the outside, doesn't mean they don't have a few screws loose on the inside. No one is perfect; duh and whew. But, I do think they are better than me.
In order to keep the feelings of shame at bay, I tell myself that I have many other wonderful, amazing, worthy and special strengths and qualities so it's ok if I don't happen to possess the Type A (or even Type A-) personality. What I want to avoid, though is making one better than the other. It has been suggested to me to find my balance and what is acceptable to me. Great advice except balance is as familiar to me as pants on a fish. I do know that I, for the most part, look at other people's lives and think, they are doing the best they can, even if I think they are, in my mind, fucking up. One thing is for certain, I want to be me, I don't want to be in constant battle with myself and I'm willing to be a better version of me. I'm just not sure how to get there.
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